Washing Lady Parts

A couple months ago, I had another English 101 session with Jee:

Jee: What is "douchebag?"

Lilo: Hahaha. Yeah [Misocrazy], what is a "douchebag?"

Me: Jee, what have you been watching on tv? Or was it a movie?

Jee: I don't know, I heard it somewhere...

Me: Hmm. Well, "douche" is actually a French word, I think meaning to wash, like for a bath. But in English it's specifically something you use to wash your... "lady parts."

Jee: So why is it a bag? You use a bag to clean?

Me: I guess it's like a bag of douche? Huh. I don't even know how douches work!

Lilo: Yeah I don't know either. Do people even use those anymore?

Me: I don't know... they're not even supposed to be good for you. But anyway, "douchebag" is like another way to describe a jerk.

Lilo: yeah, a "douchebag" is like another way to say "asshole." But it's more funny than mean. Douchebags are funny.

Me: Yeah but it could still be used in a mean way. I guess the idea is that a "douchebag" is really disgusting. So if you call a guy a "douchebag," the connotation is more like you're saying the guy is disgusting? I don't know, how do you even describe a typical "douchebag"?

Lilo: Like, he's a retarded jerk. Or like he wears crocs.

Me: Hahaha. There is a certain type of guy you think of when people say "douchebag." Like he's tacky? I can't think of a specific "douchebag" example to give you right now, but when I do, I'll let you know.

--

And whaddaya know! This week I became a Douchebag Magnet!

At the Toy Design classroom, I was busily working on my hard-toy model shop class, running back and forth between the model shop and my worktable when this happened:

Member of the Junior class: Hey [Misocrazy], come over here.

Me: Why?

Junior: Can you draw something for me?

Me: (Looking at him like he's crazy) I don't have time for this! What's this for?

Junior: Hands me a sheet of paper, strewn with various cartoonish drawings of penises.

Me: Is this referring to "Superbad," the movie?

Junior: No... all the girls in class have drawn on it.

Me: (returning the sheet back to him) I have no interest in this.

--

Then, while taking the subway train home with my iPod earbuds in, after 11pm on a Saturday:

Subway dude: (Saying something to me, trying to get my attention)

Me: (taking iPod earbuds out) What?

Dude: Are you from China!?

Me: I'm American. (attempting to put earbuds back in)

Dude: (unintelligible, as we are in a moving SUBWAY TRAIN, and he is talking to me from like 6 feet away)

Me: What?

Dude: (unintelligible)

Me: What?

Dude:(unintelligible)

Me: What?

Dude: Are you married!?

Me: (Pause.) No.

Dude: Do you have a man?

Me: (Pause.) No. (attempting to put earbuds back in)

Dude: (gets up to sit next to me) You're not married?

Me: No. (putting earbuds back in)

Dude: (gestures phone number with his hand) Can I get your number?

Me: (begrudgingly taking earbuds out) I don't really have time for dating.

Dude: Why not?

Me: I'm too busy for that right now.
(And you are a douchebag.)

Dude: You can make time. You should make time for these things.

Me: Um, well I'm not making time for that right now. (attempting to put earbuds back in)

Dude: Why? You don't like me?

Me: I guess not. (putting earbuds back in.)