5 Bits of Dating Wisdom

If you are happily in a relationship, congratulations to you and your Honeybunches of Oats. Have a lovely Valentine's Day weekend. You can skip this entry.

While I have been trapped in a social cave called Toy Design school, I think I've had enough time to distance myself from my dating history to reflect with more clarity on what's happened in my life and among my friends' dating stories. So I offer you some thoughts on dating and relationships, that may or may not be helpful.

I think these principles really do apply across the board, (even if they are mostly supported by pop culture references, where I gain most of my wisdom). But if you already know all this or just don't find that it's useful, well here's a cute music video for ya that sums up my last tip:



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Apparently Steve Harvey, the comedian, has a book about relationships that is #1 on the NY Times bestseller list.

I'm not that familiar with this Harvey, but based on this short interview, I'd say he's rather astute. I very much have come to the same conclusions as he has stated, primarily that:

1. Women have bizarrely lowered their standards with mens' behavior, allowing men to act like jackasses. (Just look at the popularity of "He's Just Not That Into You" and the growing genre of appalling dating reality shows.)

2. Men need to get their lives together and be mostly self-actualized (have a positive career path, satisfying social life, etc. contributing to generally comfortable self-image) before they are fully prepared to contribute to a real relationship. (This may be true for women as well, but for some reason this is more commonly an issue for men, maybe because women are better multi-taskers and place a higher priority on relationships in general.) As I told an ex, after our breakup, "You must love yourself before you can love others." He is now married, so I guess that worked out!

Ladies! STOP lowering your standards. If a guy doesn't have it together, he is not serious dating material. Maybe you can give him some time to work on it, but if it's not improving after a specific amount of time, you really need to move on. Do not make excuses for him, especially if you are living with him or if you have been dating him for a long time. What may be difficult in the short run (like moving out on your own instead of staying in a relationship that goes nowhere) may be much better for you in the big picture.

Men! Get it together. If you don't have it together, you are not ready to date a woman seriously. And if you are lucky enough to have a nice woman be really into you when you are not ready for it, be honest and have the decency to let her know so we don't have to make these painful movies like "He's Just Not That Into You." I know, communication is hard, especially when you make a pretty girl sad or mad. Wah, wah. Get over it.

But if you are a guy who doesn't have it together, you need to start somewhere. Make some male friends (who have gone on dates and can support you a la the movie "Swingers" or "40-Year old Virgin," not guys who are equally troubled or worse than you are in the dating department) and female friends (who can offer their own dating perspectives so you can learn from them) and talk to them. You can also start to date casually, while you work on those other aspects of your life. If it's still too difficult, get a life coach. Or a therapist! It's a positive thing to get help! You have to start somewhere!

Another tidbit of dating/relationship wisdom that I heard recently from a dying professor's last lecture (not as somber as it sounds), which I also think is true:

3. Do not listen to anything a guy says. Look at what he actually does.

A guy (aka "asshole") may have selfish, shitty intentions, and fool you with his sweet-talk when he's there with you and then forget about you the next day, maybe even next hour.

A guy (aka "nice guy") may have good intentions but not follow through with what he says, for whatever reason (he is confused, doesn't have his priorities straight, or is stupid).

So, whatever his intentions or words are, the only thing to consider is what he really does.

I appreciate that two men were willing to be frank about these bits of wisdom. Maybe this is why I foolishly manage to be optimistic that there are some good men left out there to meet, even though the men I seem to run into tend to prove me otherwise. Which brings us to meeting the right person:

4. You are not going to meet that person if all you do is sit around at home, dreaming of "the one." It also is not going to happen if all you do is hang out with the same people all the time. You need to make time to get out and see your friends' friends that may interest you. Or pursue interests and activities that allow you to make new friends! Or use a dating service: online dating, speed-dating, whatever. Don't think it's beneath you to try something like that.

My brother, the physician (who ballroom dances and cooks and lectures about ecology-while-scuba-diving-at-the-Shedd-aquarium), who was super social, well-traveled, and met all kinds of creative, interesting people at jazz clubs and rockabilly dance venues, had to go full-force into using at least three different dating services after his divorce. He finally found his lovely wife through Match.com. So if he had to put that kind of effort into it, so do you!

(Take it from someone who has lost the option to make that time to go out, for the next three months. But when graduation comes, believe me, I will be making time to go out! Call me after May, okay?)

And finally, since "4" is an unlucky number, here's a tip from that "Lollipop" song by Mika:

5. "Live your life until love is found / 'Cause love's gonna get you down"

Love involves a lot of risk and therefore a lot of disappointment (Oh yes, I know), so it's going to get you down. But you can't let that hinder you. You have to realize that you can be happy on your own as well. Whether or not this dating thing pans out, you have this one life to live, so you better make it good. And if it isn't good, you better do something about it.

If you are complaining about your life, quit it, because you are probably annoying the crap out of your friends. Do something about it. If you don't know how to do that, get a therapist or a life coach, or talk to a buddy. Get a role model. After all, you are NOT A CHILD. (Unless, of course, you are a child.)

Have a Happy Valentine's Day, everyone, single or not!