Sunday, April 09, 2006

Caught between a pup and a dark place

Some weekends ago, I purged some items at Goodwill and left with 9-dollar (Banana Republic!) jeans! However, I had to wait in line, where I was awkwardly caught between ultimate grodiness and unbelievable, angelic goodness.

In front of me was a very large woman who made the rather unfortunate decision of wearing a thong in jeans that could barely contain the bottom half of her butt.

You could not avoid noticing this (The whole back triangle of the thong plus an inch below was hanging out the jeans), yet I am sure everyone at the checkout line was trying their darnedest not to stare. Every 5 minutes, she'd yank her jeans up, so she must have been somewhat aware? She was also shopping with her friend, who was waiting to pay with her, as the salesclerk filled several bags full of purchased clothes.

At which point I wondered:
  1. How did her friend let her go out of the house with jeans that were falling off her ass constantly?
  2. I hoped that somewhere in those bags of purchases, there were pants that could keep all that junk in her trunk, or at least a set of suspenders or a belt or a longer shirt
  3. If she knew her pants kept falling down, couldn't she have just had her friend take care of the checkout while she ran home or to her car to get herself situated?
While I pondered this, I started to hear little whimpers. I turned around and saw a woman cuddling a blanket bundle topped with a tuft of black hair. Must be a little baby.

Then I heard more whimpering. Another woman next to her also had a blanket bundle, but a creamy apricot tuft of hair popped out of the bundle, revealing a puppy face! And then I realized the black tuft of hair was also a puppy!

The sight of the thong lady was so traumatizing, I decided to console myself by focusing the puppies. The owner said they were Maltese puppies who were siblings! The apricot-creamy one reminded of my late dog, Squeakers, who was my sidekick for a good 16 years.

The woman let me pet her puppy, which then licked my hand. My pupils instantly expanded into giant trembling jello circles with 25 light sources. But I tried not to get too gushy and backed off, because I probably could have started crying tears of love and joy if I petted those puppies any more.

Who knew shopping at Goodwill could become such a emotional test!

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Anonymous BK said...

It has its own wikipedia entry:
Whale tail

I was unaware of the term "muffin top", however. Who says linguistics is a boring profession?

1:45 AM  
Blogger Doctor CT said...

Or as the firemen here call it, "muffin jeans".

2:00 PM  

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