Foolish Optimist or Jaded Cynic Today?

I go through cycles of optimism and cynicism. I'd say I spend more time on the optimistic side, but when I become cynical, I wonder how I maintain the optimism.

Recently, my roommate had a "Lost"-watching party. I had to bow out because I never got into that show. One of her friends said, "I know, 'Lost' is one of those things where I get sucked in for awhile, and then I get to a point where I need to get away from it."

To which I responded, "Hmm, that sounds like how I am about internet dating."

I have to go through phases with internet dating. When I am newly free, I go into it, with the hopes that maybe this time, I could find someone better than the ones I've dated in the past. After all, I have at least three relatives who found me their spouses through online social / dating sites.

Maybe this time, in the "big city," I could find someone with that magical balance of maturity, modest confidence, humor, and quiet ambition. Someone who could share or tolerate my love of ridiculous pop culture, toys, karaoke, food, dancing, and DIY. Also, do I even need to say it? Someone cute? I think I'm allowed to request that. (The idea is that I will want to kiss this person, right? It's no good if I want to keep him at arm's length.)

If I'm really, really lucky, maybe I could find someone who could inspire me and love me as much as I love and inspire him.

And then I browse the ads. I am amazed (baffled) at what men think is acceptable to post as their main photo. And then I am reminded of people's inability to describe themselves online. And then I am reminded how most of the guys who are about my age look about 15 years older than me. And then I am disturbed when the twenty-something ones look cute to me.

Then the replies come in. And then maybe I go on a few first dates. Maybe some are okay. And maybe there's potential for a second date, but when I am too busy with school for that second date, my disappointment quickly turns into relief or indifference.

Then checking the replies begins to feel like a management project that just piles on to my other work. And you can count on the replies from 45+ year-old men and people in Ohio or OTHER COUNTRIES or open marriages (which I ignore). And then I have to filter through all the local douchebags (who claim to be single), whose profiles make me worry for humanity. (I am thankful that there's a "block" option on these sites.)

That leaves me with maybe 10% of the people left on these sites, which I have to whittle down to the vaguely cute ones that are even compatible with me on tastes, lifestyle, and political/philosophical views. Which probably leaves me with the last 1% of the site.

And as I grow more and more disgusted with the options available, I remember why I was happier person after all my breakups. And I start to think more seriously about planning to be a single parent someday.

So... like a bad season of "Lost," I may have to abandon the internet dating again soon, before I lose all hope for humanity. Or maybe I just need to tune into to a new show... like getting back to finishing my last 18 days of schoolwork & enjoying more of sleep, New York, and my friends and cousins. They're good at helping me regain my optimism and hope for humanity.

In the meantime, I'll make use of the atrocity that is my Personals inbox, to prove to you how retarded some of these men are, and hopefully to provide you with some entertainment:

Reply #1:

geek

This was my most recent message. Look, I am not a stickler for capital letters or punctuation in emails or online messaging, but maybe a phrase or some context would be nice. You know, especially for the very first message from a total stranger.

Also, I don't know if he's calling me a geek, or saying that he's a geek? Or did he just accidentally hit "send" before he was ready? But there was no secondary correction message. Or maybe it's an e.e. cummings thing? I already knew that men are often lazy about dating, but this is ridiculous.
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Reply #2:

I was browsing profiles randomly and i have to say you're a cutie. Too bad you're not in Paris.

Okay, I don't mind the flattery; I'll admit, it cheers me up for two seconds. But what is the point!? Where are the nice locals who want me??? Maybe this means I need to move to a new country.
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Reply #3:

Would you consider a sweet with a savory strangely compelling tinge of dark couple?

Provocative ping emitted, apologies if not your cup of tea and compliment regardless!

Best,

[name removed for privacy]

Eyes? Hers warm and dark and coruscating; his green, amber flecked and a world you can take a deep dive into..

This is one of the couples that have written to me. I'm politically liberal, but personally... not like that. I'm not looking to be used by some couple for their pleasure. Try... a different kind of service, maybe. Thanks? But no thanks. I ignored this message, but they asked me again, later, twice!
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Reply #4:

Preface: His reference to Nutella is his guess at what my screen-name is about, but he was wrong. But I will cut him some slack on that one, since he is Swiss. But you'll see that he wrote a freaking essay, with cited sources! Tip to strangers: never do that on a first message! Christ.

[Misocrazy,] It took me some years of my early life to find out, that Nutella was in fact not German but Italian. I even was not aware it was available in the US. Now research on the omniscient garbage dump revealed that the US version is even produced with a modified recipe (more sweet, less nuts). Are you? I mean aware of that? Did you know that they sell small school snack sized boxes in italy that contain 3 compartments, one with lemon tea, one with nutella and one with a couple of grissini? I mean this thing here http://www.ferrero.it/main.php?w=6BEUP3MJM41EH2OMMKRC I am fascinated by product design rather than by sweet breadspread, so i actually buy these kinds of cultural artifacts when in italy (around the corner) but i don't ever eat them.

I am obviously not here in order to fix your love life. You might have figure this much yourself already. That would be terribly inefficient with us living on different sides of the planet, but the you you presented through your profile still is someone i like very much and would love to get to know a little better and maybe closer. I myself had a fling with Interactiondesign in my life and it looks, as if you were into something similar with your studies right now. In fact i graduated with a masters in this subject, but i also fled from something crazy when i landed there, which was theoretical physics and math. Now i am somewhat back on the old trajectory as an IT consultant, but one who knows about communication and who silently suffers from the overwhelming amount of badly designed powerpoint slide decks that get thrown at him on an average day. So what do you do in your studies exactly and what was that crazy job you escaped from? I'm honestly curious.

I happened to fall in love with NY a couple of years back, when i went there for a very extended weekend, which was surprising, because having visited the west coast a lot more often and for longer than the east coast, I always though that the US was not a place for me to live. NY might just be the exception that happens to be on US soil and technically probably even constitutes an own planet. So it's probably not incompatible with the previous assessment. And while thinking of it, the only other city on the planet that has ever had this kind of attraction to me was Paris, and after living there and leaving again, this has somewhat gone (for Paris) and it became Berlin, which in strange ways i was reminded of when visiting NY the last time. Like my profile says somewhere, i am going to visit NYC in hothot august this year, and i am of course open to quality advise regarding cool, curious and exceptional things to do there. As you are the traveling kind of person, i can offer some samesame but different for this side of the pond, if you want. Switzerland is not on your destination list, i saw, but that might a) change, b) advise wise be just a technicality and c) this country is so small anyway that you cannot drive for 3 hours straight in any direction without falling off the chart. So naturally, if southern france or surrounding areas are on your travel target list, i certainly can offer some sparring for your trip planning. In fact, i will go to the cote d'azur near st. tropez in june for a week with a bunch of friends from all over europe where we have rented a nice stone house for a week just to watch the sea for endless hours from the terrace, cook incredibly delicious food, drink good wine and enjoy ourselves to the extend permitted by local law.

So, whatever you are up to today: go for it! You have my support. In any case enjoy a hopefully sunny springday in la grande pomme.

Cheers, [name removed for privacy]

PS: As non-native speaker i checked with something google threw up what the term douchebag actually extends to, and i was surprised to find that it also refers to "a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons". I don't think we even have a term for this in german. But i hope you are not expecting to find your man hidden between vaginal hygiene devices.
PPS: Same googling turned up interesting results for double dutch. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_Dutch_(writing_style) . I assume you intended to refer to schoolyard rope jumping, though. For a taste of John O'Mill writing i found this. Funky!

A terrible infant, called Peter
sprinkled his bed with a gheter
His father got woost,
took holf of a cnoost,
and gave him a pack on his mieter

Enough, man! Go write a freaking book already if you have time for this nonsense. Or maybe spend some quality time with your son.

I would list more, but I made the mistake of deleting the ones that really offended me. I will save them for you next time, if you like. Also, if this entry depressed you, apologies. Browse my new favorite blog: texts from last night – it will surely cheer you up.